Untitled sonnet

Inside me

There is a big disquiet

It squeezes and tugs

And constricts my heartbeat

I don’t quite understand

But most definitely feel it

I can’t sit still

Keep wracking my brains for why

My life as I know it

Is not really living and dry

So many issues deal with

And people to bid goodbye

I pray and beg for the strength to move on

And courage to start over from where I’m now.

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My kind of depression is

When you feel really sad and desperate

Knowing there’s nothing you can do

To stop feeling how you feel

And the worst part is

You can’t explain just why

 

There are just certain days

When you wake up one morning

And before anything has happened

You realized that that feeling is with you

And suddenly you are unsettled

And no amount of effort can shake it off

 

On such days, you learn to live with it

And accept that you need to feel what you feel

And that overwhelming sense of being down

You will have to let it consume you some

And keep thinking to yourself that you’re still fine

You just have to live through this day

 

It’s a tough situation to be in

And you know no one really understands

And you don’t even expect them to

It’s just hard to be this way and feel helpless

And face the tears because they’re there

You are holding on to hope that it will pass

 

And pass it will.

But the moment of living through it

Is an internal hell only you can face, alone

So when it visits, just cry it out

Cry it out even if you don’t know why

And cry it out til it comforts your soul

 

And all the pain

From all the heartaches you know you have

From the past and all the other places they come from

Let them hurt you, as much as they would

And bear them in your heart

Until they walk away and come back for you.

-dysthymia attack, 06May2019

Shitty Coffee Thoughts

I’m sitting here eating a cheap lunch at McDonald’s. Awaiting my friend who’s arriving at 5:30. It’s 3:14pm. Just arrived at Legazpi City, 105 kms from Naga City where I stayed for a week with another friend.

Suddenly my thought drifts to whether I am suddenly starting to fall into self-pity or whatever other more appropriate word it is that is escaping me now, possibly due to the bad taste of the most expensive drinking upgrade of Milky Coffee that is not exactly enticing to the palate after all.

I have a couple of thoughts in my head, and I’m not sure I will remember them all to even list them here now. I just had the urge to write again.

Tomorrow will mark one year of having been broken up with for my friend who lives in Naga. 1 year and 1 month for me.

It’s not exactly clear to me why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling now. I’m thinking I’m on a poor man’s budget travel, but at the same time I know I am way better off than most people have it. I am traveling, for starters. Other people couldn’t even manage to do this, whether for financial or time reasons (which might as well be financial because people have to work instead of travel so they can have money). And here I am doing this whilst jobless. I know I have limited money, but nonetheless money I have.

Shitty coffee.

Shitty coffee is making me write. And I’m starting to lose appetite for my 2-pc mushroom pepper steak. The sauce is good; it makes we want to have extra rice. But even the free gravy isn’t enough to make me wish I was eating the burger steak from Jollibee (local fastfood) instead. It’s the taste of the patty after all, that really matters.

So it turns out right now that I am ranting about a #firstworldproblems kind of thing, but I still feel unsettled for some reason deep down.

This morning, on the first leg of my commute, I passed by what looks like a mentally ill woman crossing the street with her cat on her shoulder. I also passed by poor old people walking to wherever they’re going. In such cases my mind and my heart instantly goes on overdrive thinking and feeling how hard it must be for them. And just as fast I also instantly think that maybe I’m the one who’s having a hard time considering their situation but in reality they are fine. Why am I suffering, agonizing, over other people’s condition which I know nothing about but only perceive to be a dismal state?

And why is it that, despite knowing I’m probably better off than majority of the world’s population, I can still manage to feel sorry for myself?

Indeed I must be the one in a sorry condition, for me to even be having these thoughts. Well, I finished my meal and I’m almost through with the said bad coffee so it’s time for me to stop this rant about random things. It does make me feel better to let my thoughts out. Do comment what you think of my thoughts as well. じゃあね!

—End; 3:35pm.—

My heart is overflowing with love

that I cannot give

because there is no one to pour it into.

And it is so painful.

Once I have loved one person, with all my heart, all that I am, and all that I can give, even if in totality all of it combined does not add up to much. But whatever it was, it was my all, and she had it all to herself. She broke my heart and loved another and I swear I want her to suffer the exact same pain I felt, because I know my heart will never be able to fully heal from after it has been shattered to a million pieces which I didn’t know a person could literally feel until it happened to me.

Instead of closing up and being traumatized to love again, I found myself slowly moving on through the help of an effin’ dating app. I realized my heart had so much love to give that in the absence of the person I used to pour it all out on, my heart went wanting. It was looking for someone that could and would receive all the love that was still pouring out; the love that was left behind by the one person I had thought I would love for the rest of my life. My heart was really wanting to find someone to love, to fill that enormous hole that was left unable to close up.

Then another person came into my life. I’ve had a few tries with other guys by then, first dates that never amounted to much, but boy was I falling easily for people. But we had a different story. He was a stranger who became a friend who quickly turned into a lover. And from the very beginning he was limited in the capacity to love because he consciously did not want a relationship knowing given our circumstances we will part in 3 months’ time. He’s the type who admittedly can’t do long-distance relationships, while I was that one who really, truly could. We went headlong first just the same, and now I am so torn.

I want to love him, with all my heart, all that I am, and all that I can give. I don’t exactly think about things in terms of who deserves who anymore, like how in all my time together with my ex-girlfriend I was thinking I did not deserve her and now I know that she does not deserve me. I am thinking he doesn’t deserve me because I would give him my all and I know he doesn’t feel the same, but then again maybe love is really about giving regardless of what you get in return. I know this sounds like the same pattern I went through with my ex-gf, giving her all (but then I actually had an expectation which was affirmed by her that she would love me as genuinely back), still maybe I am the kind of person who cannot hold back giving what I can if I find myself wanting to love you. So now I am torn if I should go ahead and love him just as I would normally love, or hold it back knowing there is nothing I can expect from this.

Both of us are not looking to get hurt, but in the prospect of me loving him just the same regardless, it looks as if I may be setting myself up for another heartbreak, be that as it may caused by my self nonetheless because I cannot see myself loving another way or stop myself from feeling how I feel. I’m thinking of showing him how much I can love him (with the silent hopes of him seeing it and wanting to reciprocate) until the time is up (and we have to part ways, country-wise).

More or less he does not love me. Or at least not in the way I know what true love is. Yes, he is attracted, yes he likes me a lot, but no, love is most probably not a word he would use to describe how he feels towards me. I don’t know for sure, but I might as well be on the safe side knowing that from the very beginning he already said there is no relationship to look forward to.

Just why can’t a woman like me make love but not fall in love? This is yet another pain my heart has to go through because I just want to love someone, and as much as I don’t want to expect to be loved back, my heart dissents from what my brain wants me to do.

Dear guy, my heart is overflowing with love that I cannot give because can’t you be the one I could pour it into?

And it is so painful.

“Tadaima.”

“Tadaima” is what Japanese say when they get back home from work. It’s usual translation is the simple “I’m home,” but today in the anime I was watching the subtitle read “I’m back.” It was alluded to the main character coming back to her self, or her senses so to speak, after having fallen in love with a person who really is not as good for her as she makes it to be.

I had to stop watching the episode and blog out because my tears came welling at the thought that I could not say those words to myself, “tadaima.”

NO, not yet.

Because I don’t think I have even found myself in the first place, so perhaps there is nothing to return to. I thought I knew me, but a terribly painful breakup had me reconsidering everything, including what I thought I knew about myself, who I think I am, and what I would want myself to be.

Tadaima.

I need to venture out on my own and really establish the person I am, no apologies, no pretensions, just acceptance and growing into a better person which has been a long ignored goal that sits rotting at the pit of my heart.

It’s funny how an activity as mundane as watching cartoons gives you a realization that shakes your brain big time. For the record, this piece of writing embodies an end that I endeavor to work towards. One day I will tell myself, “tadaima,” and I will feel an overwhelming sense of pride at what I have become.

One day far, but that day will come.

NOW is a Decision Only You Can Make

Today I am letting the realization sink in that I have been wasting too much of my so-called LIFE.

You see, in the first place I never wanted to live. I prefer to be dead in all honesty because life sucks so much. It sucks to be alive when you didn’t even choose to be, and I don’t get why people, especially those who are not treated by Life kindly at all, want so much to continue to live.

For some years now, I have come to terms with life by trying to be alive and make good of my life, not only so that I do not doubly lose (as I term it) in this stupid game I didn’t want to play anyway, but also because I wanted to be alive for the person I loved the most.

Well that bubble burst recently and this day is actually the 3rd monthsary of her breaking up with me. (Oh, maybe that is why I am in such a mood today, so pensive and sad out of nowhere.) Since then I have been forced to reconsider why I live, and while suicide has never been an option because I’m too scared to effin’ take my own life, I figured out it must be time to live for myself.

Self-love is a good thing to do, and I’m re-learning what it really means, in hopes that I would be able to piece my life back together. But long story short, my efforts always fall short. I do keep trying, over and over again, little by what little I can do, on a daily basis.

Today in class (Nihongo class on an academic scholarship for professional growth), a classmate curtly said he couldn’t hear another classmate trying to make a sentence because I was chatting yet another classmate (over yet again another classmate who has her lips puckered all the time and it has been like this for weeks on end and by now I am slightly generally pissed at her).

For some reason I felt a slight hurt that I couldn’t quite place. I know there was nothing to it because I was indeed at fault and it wasn’t a mean manner of calling me out. I guess now that I think about it, I felt shamed. (Earlier in class I couldn’t put it into words, but writing this now has helped me think about it more.) And one thing led to another inside my head, that by the end of the period I was feeling a bit deep in thought about what I had been wasting the time I have on.

I have always known time is THE most valuable resource we have, but I couldn’t get myself to manage my time well. This is an issue drawing all the way back to my childhood; I was, and am still a procrastinator. Major procrastinator.

I definitely know I could achieve much more if I wasn’t, but I’m just not fighting it I guess. You know how you can’t move or do something about something unless it sinks in to you? I am very much like that.

This moment though, I’m furiously blogging this, because I want the words to materialize; I want to read my writing about this very thing and I want to be reminded about what I want to do with the time I have in my hands. I need to be reminded that I already reached an AHA moment with wanting to move forward by using my time well.

I have missed countless opportunities to do great small things because I always choose to put my time on rather senseless pursuits whose only purpose was to distract me from what I should or would in my ideal mind rather be doing instead because I know inside me too that I do not want to be doing the hard work precisely because I know it’s a must that I should do.

Now I’m coming to terms and writing the truth down. I do not want to do what I am supposed to do. Just because. I must be rebelling inside my head. For what reasons I do not quite know now. And in the process I am costing myself my own future, my own chance at greatness.

I do want to live well. Be successful, whatever that actually means, really. I want to stop being lazy. I want to find internal motivation again, be the disciplined little girl I was decades and decades ago. I don’t know how put together everybody else’s life actually is but it seems to me that they don’t have the small, potentially self-created hurdles that I do (however childhood and external factors have contributed to it)– messy room, lazy with chores, not motivated to study, not driven in life, no goals for the future or clear ambition/s for the self. Okay, some of these are actually big, but the daily life at least; I think I’m the only one who has to deal with tiny, nasty things and habits that make it harder for me to work on the bigger things, or even to just focus at the tasks at hand.

Sigh. I just took a deep breath, literally. And I had to stop, because I realized I would be writing down words that I have been too afraid to write down for fear that I might not be able to follow through. Yes, such has been my woe all along (read: for my lifetime thus far). I think of what I should do but never end up doing it because saying words inside my head involves only me and I can always choose not to honor what I said since it was only me who witnessed it. And I always have.

Whew. What a cheat on myself. I commit to many people, and give them my all, but never to myself. It is only now that I am truly understanding how much I have NOT been loving myself. Because I didn’t want my life, because I didn’t want to be here. Well guess what, the thing that kept me alive (because I do not want to ‘doubly lose’ at life) is exactly what’s making me doubly lose in the end. I am alive but this is not what I want my life to be like.

I figured out recently that I had to rewire my brain and by all means get myself convinced to like the idea of life, because that is the only way I could start towards working to better my life. It is a real struggle for me, because while people start out at “what should I do to live life well?,” I start at the level of, how can I make myself want to be even alive in the first place?

I need to live it up. I need to work doubly or even triply harder than anyone else I know. I wish I could somehow embrace a ‘show them’ mentality (at least for now) in order to get myself moving voraciously towards success. (I wish this because I do not give a f*** what people do, think, or say about me.) Then I will just be doing all the great things I can because I am in love with life, my life!

I know there’s no such thing as too late, and we can always start at NOW, but to commit to this kind of mindset every single day, and every single time including the hard times, THAT is something else.

I’m going to put my stakes in myself. I’m deciding now. I am holding on to every last thin thread of will I have left to live, and I’m going to give out all I have to shower myself with love. I can’t imagine how tough this would be, but looking back, all my life has been really tough anyway (that’s why it’s always been the nicer option to just die).

And it’s amazing how the sun suddenly shines and brightens my room despite the gentle rain that’s been falling hours back, like how in dramas it starts raining when your world is crumbling down. Only this time, it’s the other way around. I’m taking that as a positive sign.

Somebody once said that you have to do something you have never done to achieve something you’ve never had. Now watch me claim my LIFE.

Panic Paralysis

I sit typing in my laptop because I am gripped by a crippling paralysis to not do anything because I have to do so many things. I wonder if there is someone out there who experiences this same phenomenon?

Just when I need to be busy accomplishing one task after another, and just when this is the last thing I need, I find myself not doing anything at all. I sit here, all the pertinent tasks to be done running through my head, like a list that is on loop…

Yet I cannot bring myself to break free from the seeming trance.

I dilly dally, browsing social media, playing game apps here and there, all the while thinking, where do I begin?

Countless times I’ve been in this situation and countless times I’ve succumbed.

Life is tiring everyday, but there are those days when there’s too much on my plate I refuse to start digging and just stare at it. Why??

I noticed the minutes fly by. It was shortly before 3 pm when I finally had the chance to eat lunch, which I did, and enjoyed. Then after that, the paralysis struck.

Had a rough morning, and now that I have the time to attend to all these other things for the next crucial days, especially tomorrow with all the deadlines I need to meet, I don’t do anything. Or do anything that I need to be doing.

It’s a puzzle to me why I usually end up like this. So much stress already. And it would heighten even more with the lessening time I have in my hands before tomorrow strikes.

It’s 5 pm. Two hours have gone by, and I just fell into a sleepy nap and did useless things. I’m thinking perhaps the overwhelming tasks tend to cripple one from movement because you feel overpowered and exhausted yet you still have to keep up and fight.

Does life really have to be this toxic? We’re often told, slow down, live in the moment. But with a fast-paced life, despite the understanding that we need to slow down and breathe, we don’t afford ourselves that option.

And here I am allowing myself to be stopped. I know that when I see it’s dark outside I’m going to launch into autopilot mode and scurry and get doubly tired and battle as best I can to finish the numerous tasks completely. Then I would say to myself, why did I not use the time when it was in my hands? I don’t know why! Somebody explain this to me.

I can’t move because I don’t know where to start. I can’t prioritize because they are all due tomorrow and therefore are all equally important. One step at a time. Should it be with the right foot or the left?

Losing Battle

Every time I think of you, I cry.

Like, why couldn’t you be better?

Why is my life like this and yours, like that?

It’s makes me sad beyond words.

To know you are not living to full potential.

To not know what exactly you are going through.

You were supposed to be better than me. You were born smarter, prettier, kinder. Much more charming in a way I won’t ever be.

You showed so much talent and your potentials just unwrapped themselves the bigger you grew.

An amazing future is as good a prediction anyone who knew you could make.

Then this.

I want to know what exactly happened, and how. When did it begin? And where did it start going downhill?

I see you, withering away, and it’s the most painful heartache I’ve ever felt for anyone besides myself.

WHY YOU?

 

 

Home?

I don’t wanna go home.

Just for the record, I want to state in this blog how I don’t want to go back to my county anymore.

That’s how I’ve been feeling this last few days.

It’s not because of the place. (You see, I was born in a third-world country, and the situation gets worse. Meanwhile I presently live in a first-world country and my life here is really good.) I still want to go back to my home country, but only to tour. There are lots of great places to visit, and I actually miss the places back home.

Rather, it’s the people.

Lately, I’ve been feeling disconnected. Like, the meaningful relationships I have don’t particularly feel meaningful right now anyway. So what’s the point?

It has been a few months since I left, and while I’d like to think I’m still caring for the people I actually care about one way or another, somehow it doesn’t feel like it means something after all.

I mean, naturally the physical limitation of not being there brings a lot of changes. But wouldn’t you spend time with the ones you love just the same because you would really spend your time with them regardless of where they are?

Is the reason why you used to spend a lot of time together before just the shallow coincidence of proximity? It was easy to be together because you lived near each other, so every weekend or so you go out. But now that you live apart from each other by a matter of hundreds of miles, that also goes to say it makes spending time together online difficult? What’s some time to talk? What’s a minute (actually even less) to type in a short greeting?

Why is spending hours to travel and dine and go places so much easier than it is to stop for a moment and send a text message on your phone?

If proximity was the only basis of a relationship that keeps on going, then having a relationship is bullcrap. Might as well have a relationship with your pillow because it’s always just physically there. No need to make an effort or go out of your way at all to show you care.

It’s not the place, but the people. Yeah yeah we get that people change. But how do you change out of a particularly difficult circumstance in relation to the one you love? Should feelings change because of the distance?

LDR is tough, or so they say. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to how you want to show love. Do you only show it because it’s convenient for you? Do you stop loving a person because s/he’s so far away?

Home is not a concept, then. It’s more of an emotion. And right now because there’s no one worth coming home to anymore, where do you go? That home is built within. Better to stay where you are, where you feel intact, and live your life the way you think is good, than go “home” to actually feel loneliness and homelessness in the company of people who don’t make you feel loved anyway.

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