Today I am letting the realization sink in that I have been wasting too much of my so-called LIFE.
You see, in the first place I never wanted to live. I prefer to be dead in all honesty because life sucks so much. It sucks to be alive when you didn’t even choose to be, and I don’t get why people, especially those who are not treated by Life kindly at all, want so much to continue to live.
For some years now, I have come to terms with life by trying to be alive and make good of my life, not only so that I do not doubly lose (as I term it) in this stupid game I didn’t want to play anyway, but also because I wanted to be alive for the person I loved the most.
Well that bubble burst recently and this day is actually the 3rd monthsary of her breaking up with me. (Oh, maybe that is why I am in such a mood today, so pensive and sad out of nowhere.) Since then I have been forced to reconsider why I live, and while suicide has never been an option because I’m too scared to effin’ take my own life, I figured out it must be time to live for myself.
Self-love is a good thing to do, and I’m re-learning what it really means, in hopes that I would be able to piece my life back together. But long story short, my efforts always fall short. I do keep trying, over and over again, little by what little I can do, on a daily basis.
Today in class (Nihongo class on an academic scholarship for professional growth), a classmate curtly said he couldn’t hear another classmate trying to make a sentence because I was chatting yet another classmate (over yet again another classmate who has her lips puckered all the time and it has been like this for weeks on end and by now I am slightly generally pissed at her).
For some reason I felt a slight hurt that I couldn’t quite place. I know there was nothing to it because I was indeed at fault and it wasn’t a mean manner of calling me out. I guess now that I think about it, I felt shamed. (Earlier in class I couldn’t put it into words, but writing this now has helped me think about it more.) And one thing led to another inside my head, that by the end of the period I was feeling a bit deep in thought about what I had been wasting the time I have on.
I have always known time is THE most valuable resource we have, but I couldn’t get myself to manage my time well. This is an issue drawing all the way back to my childhood; I was, and am still a procrastinator. Major procrastinator.
I definitely know I could achieve much more if I wasn’t, but I’m just not fighting it I guess. You know how you can’t move or do something about something unless it sinks in to you? I am very much like that.
This moment though, I’m furiously blogging this, because I want the words to materialize; I want to read my writing about this very thing and I want to be reminded about what I want to do with the time I have in my hands. I need to be reminded that I already reached an AHA moment with wanting to move forward by using my time well.
I have missed countless opportunities to do great small things because I always choose to put my time on rather senseless pursuits whose only purpose was to distract me from what I should or would in my ideal mind rather be doing instead because I know inside me too that I do not want to be doing the hard work precisely because I know it’s a must that I should do.
Now I’m coming to terms and writing the truth down. I do not want to do what I am supposed to do. Just because. I must be rebelling inside my head. For what reasons I do not quite know now. And in the process I am costing myself my own future, my own chance at greatness.
I do want to live well. Be successful, whatever that actually means, really. I want to stop being lazy. I want to find internal motivation again, be the disciplined little girl I was decades and decades ago. I don’t know how put together everybody else’s life actually is but it seems to me that they don’t have the small, potentially self-created hurdles that I do (however childhood and external factors have contributed to it)– messy room, lazy with chores, not motivated to study, not driven in life, no goals for the future or clear ambition/s for the self. Okay, some of these are actually big, but the daily life at least; I think I’m the only one who has to deal with tiny, nasty things and habits that make it harder for me to work on the bigger things, or even to just focus at the tasks at hand.
Sigh. I just took a deep breath, literally. And I had to stop, because I realized I would be writing down words that I have been too afraid to write down for fear that I might not be able to follow through. Yes, such has been my woe all along (read: for my lifetime thus far). I think of what I should do but never end up doing it because saying words inside my head involves only me and I can always choose not to honor what I said since it was only me who witnessed it. And I always have.
Whew. What a cheat on myself. I commit to many people, and give them my all, but never to myself. It is only now that I am truly understanding how much I have NOT been loving myself. Because I didn’t want my life, because I didn’t want to be here. Well guess what, the thing that kept me alive (because I do not want to ‘doubly lose’ at life) is exactly what’s making me doubly lose in the end. I am alive but this is not what I want my life to be like.
I figured out recently that I had to rewire my brain and by all means get myself convinced to like the idea of life, because that is the only way I could start towards working to better my life. It is a real struggle for me, because while people start out at “what should I do to live life well?,” I start at the level of, how can I make myself want to be even alive in the first place?
I need to live it up. I need to work doubly or even triply harder than anyone else I know. I wish I could somehow embrace a ‘show them’ mentality (at least for now) in order to get myself moving voraciously towards success. (I wish this because I do not give a f*** what people do, think, or say about me.) Then I will just be doing all the great things I can because I am in love with life, my life!
I know there’s no such thing as too late, and we can always start at NOW, but to commit to this kind of mindset every single day, and every single time including the hard times, THAT is something else.
I’m going to put my stakes in myself. I’m deciding now. I am holding on to every last thin thread of will I have left to live, and I’m going to give out all I have to shower myself with love. I can’t imagine how tough this would be, but looking back, all my life has been really tough anyway (that’s why it’s always been the nicer option to just die).
And it’s amazing how the sun suddenly shines and brightens my room despite the gentle rain that’s been falling hours back, like how in dramas it starts raining when your world is crumbling down. Only this time, it’s the other way around. I’m taking that as a positive sign.
Somebody once said that you have to do something you have never done to achieve something you’ve never had. Now watch me claim my LIFE.